How To Use Toilet Paper
Stop Clogging Up that Hole, America
You probably heard of the expression “I learned something new every day”. It’s been around for a long time and the origin of the phrase remains a mystery. So, what have I learned today? That toilet paper has no instructions. I kid you not. Go take a look at any toilet tissue package and you won’t find any. Toilet paper was patented in the United States starting in1883 and has been around in China since the dawn of the 6th Century. With that sort of history, you’d think that there was some sort of instructions to use it. Alas, this isn’t the case.
Our knowledge and use of toilet paper have been passed down from generation to generation with no clue as to how to dispense of this flimsy instrument. 2020 has been a bell-weather event when it comes to toilet paper. During the COVID pandemic, people started hoarding the product to the point that purchase limits were placed on the products. That was because there weren’t any instructions used in the administering of toilet paper. It’s a product that constantly gets overused but I’m here to instruct you on the correct way to use toilet paper after years of going at it alone. So, here goes.
For the purpose of these instructions, certain parameters must be stipulated. The first one is that we must be using two-ply toilet paper. You can’t use any single-ply toilet paper because the process won’t adequately cover the affected area. The second stipulation is that the two-ply toilet paper must have perforated edges and be of standard width and a standard toilet roll. If you have the standard roll, you’re ready for your instructions.
When you use your brand new roll of toilet paper, don’t just tear into the roll. It’s a precious commodity. Carefully peel back the layer that’s adhered to the roll. Once you’ve successfully done that, carefully tear off two sheets at a time until you have pulled four sets of 2 sheets each. Next, I want you to fold the two sheets over to the other sheet. You should be now looking at a stack of four sets of two. You are now ready to use the toilet paper.
The second stage is the usage part of the process. As with the first phase, there are stipulations involved in this process. The first stipulation is that you must not have diarrhea. Diarrhea, also known as the squirts, the trots, poot juice, the Brie Larsons, the angry corn-holio, the taco bell special, is a heavy toilet paper user. The second stipulation is that you must have a regular diet because your “product” must have the consistency of peanut butter on a good day. If your product is a little bit harder and you’re putting out what is commonly referred to as the dingle-berries, eat more vegetables. Let’s start wiping, shall we?
Take one of the two-ply stacks and bend over to a 90-degree angle. Your body should be parallel to the floor. In this position, you should be fully accessible and ready to meet the toilet paper. Take the toilet paper and wipe it only once and discard the first stack. You may look at it for consistency and for health reasons as well. Make sure no blood is in your “product”. Now take the second stack and repeat the process but with this second stack, you’re going to fold it and use it one more time. Discard this and repeat again for the third and fourth stacks by repeating step two. By then, you should have completed the process. If you feel like the process hasn’t adequately satisfied your needs, you can easily pull off two more squares, and that all depends on what you’ve eaten but four stacks on average usually can handle an event.
But what about toilet paper like the ones in Walmart where they use those industrial toilet paper with no perforations? What do we do, Bobbie, what do we do? Well, you pull of segments that should be the length coming from your wrist to the tips of your longest finger. Pull off five sheets and do the same processing technique. If everyone would do this, there wouldn’t be a need to horde toilet paper, toilet bowls need not be clogged with excessive toilet paper, and plumber’s butt crack can be reduced to a minimum. Can we do this America? Can we do this, the world? Teach your children how to use toilet paper properly, your toilet bowl would greatly appreciate it.
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