This Is Us: In Defense of Toby

It’s been a couple of rough weeks for the beleaguered Toby these days on This Is Us. Toby is being painted with the brush of becoming a toxic man. That characterization is heavily flawed however and it is a complete disservice to the character of who Toby was in the beginning and who he is now. So why the maligning of his character?

A reporter from TVLine.com, Kimberley Roots, wrote an article that stated in the banner that Toby is the worst. Really? Why such a declaration? Why so definitive? Isn’t that just a bit hyperbolic? In the episode entitled, Up That Hill, Toby is going through life thinking that what he is doing is being a provider for his family. He is working hard to give his family the things they need and you can see his focus is on that. Little does he know, however, that his partner, his wife, Kate, does not share his vision of a steadfast union as we saw at the end of the episode. So how did Toby become the villain in this story when viewed from a different perspective, why label him as the worst?

In the unfolding of Up That Hill, Toby is doing well at his company. He appears to have the respect of his colleagues and he is an asset as well. Toby is also looking into purchasing a home in San Francisco for his family. One would think that these are good things but to Kate, they are not. In this episode, Toby is painted with the brush of selfishness. How dare he finally have a good job after being unemployed and having to suffer indignities from his much more successful brother-in-law. How dare he have a job where he feels like he is contributing to his family as opposed to what he was doing first which was feeling anxious about not having a job. Toby wasn’t cheating on his wife. Toby worked a successful job and his colleagues seemed to respect and enjoy his contribution, But somehow, he is the worst.

Kate views Toby differently these days. She envisions Toby as the “old” Toby. The one that was big as her, the one who had no confidence, no motivation, no desire. The old fat Toby was her equal. The old Toby lost the weight and kept it off. He got in shape. This bothered her and it had an impact on her self-esteem. Kate is a study of failure in taking charge of her life. In looking back on her forty years of life, we get to see that Kate avoided conflict. She has relied on her brothers to solve her issues and to excuse her issues more importantly.

In the follow-up episode entitled Saturday In The Park, Little Jack takes off on his own and heads to the neighborhood park. Kate puts all of the blame on Toby in a heated argument outside their home. In the ensuing shouting match, Kevin and Randall show up and intervene in the dispute. What was interesting was seeing Kate retreat to the back while her brothers took charge. This is who Kate is, a passive doorstop of a woman in damsel-in-distress mode.

The problem with Kate and Toby’s marriage isn’t mountains of issues but small hills when you look at the grand scheme of things. The writers chose to make the mountains and make Toby a bad guy when in fact he’s a good guy. They have chosen to tear down Toby because he is a white male while propping up the female while being virtuous. Kate’s issues run deep, childhood deep and one of her issues was her weight gain as a child. Her mother should have recognized there was an issue then and sought help to understand the root cause. Kate’s childhood traumas impacted her life for thirty years.

Earlier in the previous season, there was a flash-forward episode showing Toby sitting up in bed by himself. The question at the time was, where was Kate? Toby appeared to be sad in the flash-forward. Was Kate dead? There was no other indicator other than speculation on the fate of Kate. Subsequently, in future episodes, we saw that Kate was getting remarried. As the puzzle of the pieces slowly come together, there will be no happily ever after for Toby and Kate.

In Saturday In The Park, Kate was gunning for a fight throughout that episode. Toby could do nothing right as it unfolded with Kate hammering him for everything going on. With all of those adults in the house, why was Toby the one who had to deal with all of the chaos? Why did Kate teach her small child how to open a door? Why didn’t Kate accept any responsibility for aiding and abetting Little Jack’s wandering off by himself? Why didn’t she go with her mother to the park when Rebecca figured out where he went and she just stood there like a lump?

The emphasis though is to demonize Toby though. He is a bad father, a bad husband because that’s how he is being painted outside the lines. Kate would like the fat old Toby back, but why? Does he represent the aimless, uncertain Toby that Kate’s life was? The failed singer, the teenage girl who became pregnant and had an abortion, the teenage girl who found solace by eating away at everything in sight?

Setting up Toby as a bad guy is just a symptom of Kate’s issues that rest just below the surface. This Is Us has done Toby a disservice to the character. We went on a journey with him as he traverse the ups and downs of life. We rallied for him as he found the job he needed as well. But to treat him with so much disrespect is a black eye for This Is Us.