Savannah Guthrie Doesn’t Fart in Public

The Health Issues Women are Facing When They Hold it In

There have always been debated issues between men and women ranging from politics, income equality, reproductive rights and on and on. It seems as if we are in a constant state of disagreement all the time and the divide even comes down the most basic of bodily functions, flatulence expression commonly known as farting. You fart, I fart, everybody farts fart. It’s a subject rarely spoken about in social settings. You’re at a meeting or a party or fancy dinner and within that crowd, someone is pooting out a silent but deadly fart. Was it you? Sure it was, we’ve all done it. I don’t have any scientific data but I do believe men fart more than women. Why? Because we find it comical when we release one, especially one that reverberates like an empty 55-gallon drum. You can see an example of this with the actor Chris Pratt in outtakes from his former show, Parks and Recreation. California politician, Rep. Eric Swalwell (D) allegedly ripped a massive fart while being interviewed by Chris Matthews on MSNBC. I say allegedly because there is a bit of controversy as to where the sound came from. But like they say, he who denied it supplied it and the other one is, he who smelt it dealt it.

But while men find farting as a punchline, not so with women. You don’t hear about women farting. It seems to be a universal taboo for women not to even remotely to produce a fart in public. They may have done it as a kid but as they’ve gotten older, their secret society of No Fart Club has spread from town to city to farm to every corner of the globe. The universal consensus is that it is unladylike to fart in public. But there are serious health consequences for women when it comes to suppressing their farts. Trying to hold in a fart can lead to a build-up of pressure and discomfort. Furthermore, a build-up of intestinal gases can trigger abdominal distension, with some gases being reabsorbed back into the body and exhaled out your mouth. Talk about the ultimate bad breath. that’s not all, holding it in too long can build-up of the intestinal gases that eventually will lead to uncontrollable farting. There is also a debate to be made that research is not clear on whether holding in your farts can also lead to the rise of pressure in your rectum that increases your chance of developing a condition called diverticulitis, small pouches that develop in the gut lining and become inflamed.

Did you know that men and women produce about the same amount of gas and averaged eight farts episodes (individual or a series of farts) in a 24 hours period? Like Dr. Oz has said, if you talk, you fart because we are constantly swallowing air. But while men only have one orifice to emitting farts, women, unfortunately, have two and have conditions they go through the elevates their concerns about farting in public. Here are conditions women endure:

PERIOD FARTS
Oh, the mysteries of womanhood that men will never know. Men have never heard of this but women have period farts. It is perhaps one of the worst smells coming out of a living body. It’s like a mixture of two four-month-old rotten eggs mixed in with fermenting cabbage and both have been percolating for 1,000 years when that flatulence is released. I am told it is the hottest fart known to the woman world that no man could ever possibly imagine. Because of prostaglandins, which are chemicals that tell women’s bodies to expel the monthly unused contents of their uterus, it is those chemicals that can’t quite stay on target, so they also affect the gut. It’d like a toxic cloud that leads to more spasms that turn into a nightmarish scenario. No wonder women were banished from social gatherings during those uninformed times.

‘FIBER FARTS’
We live in a time where diets are an in and out fad. One day it’s the Mediterranean diet the next it’s the lean beef diet. Because women eat a lot of vegetables, salads, and yogurt, especially those probiotic yogurts. Eating those high fiber foods produces those high fiber farts. You fart what you eat. A study found that women who ate high fiber foods and farts smell four times worse than a man’s fart. It’s hard to believe given the fact that men are big bean eater. After all, who hasn’t seen the campfire scene to Blazing Saddles? It’s a classic because it shows men turning farts into comedy gold or brown depending on your point of view. It is this movie that made it acceptable for men to fart without persecution. I don’t think Rep. Eric Swalwell will have any long term consequences with the alleged farting controversy. Women, however, must endure the aftermath of wanting to stay fit by downing their favorite yogurt. Like Liz Lemon said about Activia brand yogurt, “It’s yogurt that makes you poot.”

QUEEFS
I can understand that this can be a very sensitive topic but here goes. Women, you have a vagina. Your vagina is a wonderful thing, on occasion. Sometimes it gets angry. Other times it’s very pleasant. Sometimes it just doesn’t seem to cooperate when you start experiencing the dreaded vagina farts also known as ‘queefing’. It is not necessarily a ‘real’ fart but when it gets filled with air, it belches and sounds like a fart. This one occurs during sexual congress. Sometimes the vagina gets pumped with air and before you know it, it queefs on you. Your vagina can get filled with air from exercising, from your yoga lesson or just from moving around but for the most part, it gets filled with air from having sex. If you have not experienced it, it can be a bit embarrassing especially if the person you are looking at is staring down on you wondering what the hell that is? But it’s a natural process so don’t get bent out of shape, so to speak, or too embarrassed and continue with your sexual congress.

MENOPAUSAL FARTS
So you’ve reached that certain stage of your life where menopause has arrived. In addition to the mood swings and hot flashes, you have to contend with the fact that you are having menopausal farts. But you say you never heard of them. Well, Helen or Suzy, it’s because it’s new to me too. Menopause causes bloating and some serious gas production. Blame those on the hormonal change. Yes, it’s a bitch getting older and adding ‘Menzies’ farts aren’t helping the situation. So what is a granny suppose to do? I would say try Beano, that anti-gas tablet that reduces your farting prowess. But I’m not a doctor so check with your physician.

PREGNANCY AND POSTPARTUM FARTS
Only a woman knows what it’s like to be pregnant. The body goes through a hormonal change just as it does with menopause. Once again, it is this hormonal change that affects your body. It is those hormones that change her muscles by causing them to relax. Those relaxed muscles allow the cervix to widen to grow the baby and also relax the intestinal muscles. What does this mean? Well, it means that her digestion will become slower, food will ferment longer in her intestine, more gas will be produced, more pressure will build-up, and the ability to control one's bowels will become more difficult. She will become a farting machine.

Once she has the baby, the woman must endure the postpartum farts. It’s bad enough that you had to endure the mommy farts when you were pregnant but now you have one more round of farts that are really loud. It’s your body settling back into place. Your body cavity once housed a child the size of a watermelon. Press anywhere along your stomach and boom goes the dynamite.

So there you have it. Farting in a nutshell on why women need to fart more without the guilt. Since Hollywood is re-imaging all-female films, maybe they should do an all-female Blazing Saddle scene where it’s the women sitting around the campfire farting up a storm? Or someone should make a T-shirt with the slogan ‘The Future is Farting Females’? When I look at a woman like Savannah Guthrie, I see a woman who grew up with self-esteem issues being a tall gangling teenager. She lives a lie that is tightly wound. Farting in public would not be her forte. Unlike her colleague, Al Roker, who admitted that he pooped in his pants, an act that was probably precipitated by him trying to fart, Guthrie needs to let one fly. Nobody shamed Al from what I saw but maybe it’s different for women? It’s easier to see men farting and it’s much funnier.